Let's Go A'blergin'.
Where did it all blergin?
est. 2007
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Around the time Sarah Palin had debuted the first gen iPhone, I was more than a child, but less than a grown-up thing. I was consistently slapping the spacebar to make my World of Warcraft character, Emoish, jump through the Ghostlands. My lady Blood Elf was finishing a quest while I began to switch my attention to a TV news station covering the tragedy of Brittany Spears’s shaved head. She was smiling while she did it. The news anchor, Chris Crocker, was crying on set, shrieking through grit teeth for the folks at home to “Leave Britney alone!… Please.”
It was to be a busy news day. After Brit’s meltdown, the station switched to a guy named Antoine Dodson who’s sister was “attacked by some idiot from out here in the projects.” There was broken glass on the floor and everything. The police ran fingerprints. The news people filmed the guys looking for fingerprints.
The President-elect of the United States, Sarah Palin, along with her Vice President, Diva Pop-star, Miku Hatsune, beamed across the screen with breaking news from Washington D.C., “Okay, Dears, the Internet is shutting down, okay?”
What.
Web Prohibition was becoming more than conservative barking. The White, Catholic, Peniles of the newly lead legislature were taking aim at the Internet.
Why?
Oil prices.
The Gays. Adam Lambert.
Razorblades in apples on Halloween.
—Were all circulated and opined… online.
The news cut to a commercial. An ugly girl kept talking about her shoes, dreaming about shoes, and scoffing for shoes. “These shoes are 300 dollars. These shoes are 300 dollars. These shoes are 300 [cluckin’] dollars. LET’S GET ‘EM.” That guy was The OG Betch.
The news returned, more alarming than before. Techno-Swedish celebrity Basshunter kicked off the Senate meeting with the techno-Swedish version of the American national anthem, followed by his hit banger of the time, “The League of Legends Song,” known briefly as LOLA: “looooo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-looooo-lo-lo.” After Mr. Basshunter wiped his mouth with a handkerchief, then left, Senator Ted Stevens took the podium to delineate the crookery of the World Wide Web:
Washington’s solution to the Internet tubes being stuffed with profanity was simple defenestration of the tubes altogether. The maneuver is exactly comparable to dumping a box of Christmas lights out the car door onto the side of the highway, but on a World Wide scale.
The news switched to a crowd of angry Internet people. They were slicing the air angrily with their flip-phone cellular devices outside of the Senate council. The Internet is the homeland of the indigenous Internet people. Where were they to do Internet stuff without the Internet? The Internet people retaliated the only way they knew how:
By “blerging.”
Hard.
The Barcode Brothers were the bargain bin Italo Brothers for euro techno pop trance beatz.
Blergs
Blerging, as defined by the Oxford dictionary, is the act of logging onto the World Wide Web, typing words onto the screen of one’s e-device through the connected keyboard, to produce a literature composite known precisely as a “blerg post.” This aggregate of text may be used as a means of extended communication, longer than an SMS, but typically shorter than an essay.
The term “blerging” was historically coined as the undercover name given to the language of morse code used by Americans during WW2 to stealth from German decoders. In the modern day, the Internet people don’t do that.
The Quesht fer Computersh
The Internet people were ready to blerg: eager to save the Internet from President-elect Sarah Palin and Vice Diva Pop-star President Miku Hatsune. The news covered the campaign of the Internet people live. In order to get online, however, the Internet people needed an alternative device, as their flip-phones were too stupid to viably blerg online as a smartphone could. President-elect Palin had priced her new iPhone above the price point were most millennials could casually afford, thus censoring the Internet from e x p r e s s i o n and unionization via its own e-patriarchs’ nonchalant apathy.
The Internet people needed another efficient tool to incarnate their ideas into blergs. They knew, that once they could output blergs on a World Wide medium, they could telebeam the blergs to fellow constituents to take action with their aligning legislators. The pro-Internet politicians were the Internet people’s only hope against the brutish Palin Hatsune administration. It was through this Red, White, and Blue combustion that America would see her people, laws, and land, launch into the avenir.
While researching the online knowledge bases of the University of Google Wikipedia at their local library, the Internet people discovered the necessity of computers. “Computers […] are used for blerging,” said an Internet person spokeswoman on the news; “Blerging is good on computers.” The computer electronic device was the only consumer product sophisticated and powerful enough for the mass, streamlined blerging that the Internet people needed for their broad mission to save the Internet.
Bill Gates’s Windows manufactured computers, but they were too ugly for the Internet people to respectively blerg upon. Vista? The Internet people “could not even.” Steve Jobs, former Governor of Alaska, was the only manufacturer with a computer chic’n awesome enough for the Internet people to cruise the World Wide Web upon: The Blergintosh 95. After the Internet people paid his company’s Apple Tax, higher than Sarah Palin’s premium iPhone, the Internet people mounted the engine of their freedom.
They were equipped to go a’blergin’.
The Blergintosh 95
Disgusting.
Doesh Anyone Know How to Ushe Computersh?
The Internet people had their computers, but without guidance, they were a melange of themes and purposes, slugs and links, meymeys and blergs.
They needed a leader to help them become one e-people, one e-nation.
The first measurement of worth amongst the Internet people was the Dank Test: whoever could find the dankest meymey was to be ordained as leader of the Internet people.
A news closeup of an Internet person.
Throughout the gaggle, however, all were able to demonstrate dankilicious meymeys at their turn. The decision of leadership had stagnated at a draw. The Internet people, in their simplicity, thought to try the same test twice, thinking that meymeying harder would yield the leader they needed. Sensing the frustration from another failed—but dank—round, one twenty-something-year old stepped forward.
“What are we even blerging for?” said Darren.
“To save the Internet,” said some twenty-something-year old named Jessica.
“But beyond that,” Darren replied, “Once the Internet is saved, for what do we blerg?”
“When did everyone become such an exhibitionist?” —Darren, Twouble with Twitters, SuperNews!
Every Internet person on the scene stopped. No one in the news room moved anything other than their eyes in impromptu worry.
“There are no blergs in-the-Internet: only blergs for-the-internet. The Internet is Empty without us, but it Exists for-us… for-each-other… for-itself, in-itself.”
The Internet people didn’t really get it, but sensed that Darren would be the competent fit as their Internet Person Leader.
Darren accepted his role, but soon admitted that he didn’t know how to pilot a computer, much more a team of computer blergers.
Ctrl + Alt + Liberate
Darren and his eFlock went back to their computer manufacturer for computer navigation wisdom. The Apple manufacturer referred them to their Geniuses, who helped train the Internet people in the art of Blergintosh. Their B-tosh computers often broke due to the blerg load foisted upon them, requiring the need to draw from Insurance, or Care. The Internet people agreed, however, that the circumstance was “still better than Vista.”
While the Internet people trained, e-patriarch Darren was on the task of planning the blerging effort throughout the world, then eventually, throughout the cosmos. To prepare for his people’s debut onto the world’s stage, his coalition stocked up on cigarettes, coffee, and pornographic images for sexual stimulation.
On e-D Day, the Internet people funneled into one computer cafe named USBeeps that charged about five dollars an hour per wi-fi user. The news cameras watched the Internet people prep as their Dorito cheese fingers smeared the Blergintosh keyboards like war paint.
Darren was staring at his computer screen.
“Are we ready?” asked Jessica.
Darren kept looking at his Blergintosh’s monitor:
He wept. “Today, history is blerged.”
The Internet people were scared, but Darren spurred them into formation. “Are we people?” he mildly yelled in an awkward attempt at a masculine declamation, “Or are we Internet people!?”
The cafe roared while rattling their Dorito bags and splashing their Mountain Dew bottles.
Darren lead the way.
The troop blerged.
They blerged on private websites.
They blerged on social networks.
They blerged on sales and auction pages.
They blerged the first microsite millionaires.
With practice and authority, the Internet people eventually started blerging for elite intelligence processing websites, such as Yahoo.com.
The Internet people madly filled the Internet with their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and Love.
They were the founding fathers and moving mothers of the World Wide Web. They… became the content of every .com, .org, and .blerg.
The e-Scape
Once the Internet people had enough blergs in their portfolio, Darren started networking with legislators to garner their pro-Internet support. The politicians were immediately impressed. They’ve never seen blergs so “thick” and “rich” before. They became confident that the Internet would be a tool used for Good, not Evil.
The Palin Hatsune administration took notice.
Vice Diva Pop-star President Miku Hatsune started bombarding the Internet people’s blergs with ASCII spam to dilute the efficacy of the blergs. The Internet people frantically retaliated by hitting the backspace of their Blergintoshes as fast as they could, even crop deleting when the ASCII flood was overwhelming.
Darren hit the deck at Washington. Palin was ready to hit the switch to turn off the World Wide Web at the Tube Termination ceremony she arranged at Capitol Hill. The Internet providers were there, weeping intensely at a faux coffin made for the Internet. Within the casket was a cornucopia stuffed with ethernet wires and meymeys, “Here, the Dank lie.”
“Okay, Dears, we’ve had enough of this ‘Internet’,” Palin said to the audience. “It’s making the kiddies queer-o-sexuals and removing American jobs from America.”
The news channel zoomed in on Darren and the pro-Internet legislators racing down the aisle of the ceremony. There were explosions behind them. The ASCII sabotage was overloading the Blergintoshes. USBeeps was no longer on the map; Internet people were falling fast.
With printed PDF versions of blergs in hand, Darren shoved a stack to Palin, then took the mic:
I looked from my TV screen back to my WoW screen. I made my Blood Elf jump with my Vista keyboard. Space, space, space.
“Let’s Go A’blergin’”
by Mr. Bohemian
